Throw off the chains of your own making
06 January 2012 06:54 AM Categories: Facing fears
Some readers may remember way back in September when I wrote about taking driving lessons. I took exactly one before letting myself get thrown off track by various things (family health stuff, money stuff, me stuff). The more time that went between that first lesson and now, the more difficult it was to start up again. Yes, I wrote about it once or twice, most recently in my new year’s resolutions, but that didn’t push me forward to do anything.
Here’s what it is like not to drive when you have a kid in Berkeley (and don’t thoroughly embrace slow public transportation; and don’t relish riding a bike – plenty of people here do fine using these methods): I don’t take the boy to doctor’s appointments, even though I’m the one with more time to do so; when the husband is away on business, the kid and I are generally stuck with going to local parks, etc., and if it’s raining, we’re even more stuck; I can’t take the boy to school quickly or get him home quickly; for afterschool play dates, I use a huge bike trailer/stroller to walk both boys the 1.3 miles back to our house (I’ve tried just walking with them and, trust me, it is no fun, but pushing 100+ pounds of boy is also a bit ridiculous.). I also can’t pick up the husband when he’s had surgery, something that has come up once and will come up again soon, I can’t drive him to the airport, and I wait for weekends to go food shopping, with the man and the boy either waiting for me in the parking garage or coming back to pick me up after I’m done. I try to find doctors who are within walking distance. I can’t do play dates at other peoples’ houses (or other things, like special events and birthday parties) when the husband can't drive there without explaining myself or getting a ride.
The end result is that I feel like a drain on my husband’s time in addition to feeling trapped by my own fears and inabilities. Funny thing is, this is a feeling that is so familiar, a track that my mind glides down so easily, that in some ways I think it reinforces itself. That and catastrophic thinking. You out there, most of you, you get into cars all the time, you hop into the driver’s seat and just go without thinking much about it. Me? Even when I am a passenger (though less so, since I am not the one in control of the car) I am very aware of the killing possibilities of a car. And this is where I start and get ramped up: what if I kill someone??
It’s not very likely, is it? But the very thought feeds my anxiety and keeps me from doing anything, and this isn’t the only situation in which I go down the darkest possible path in order to keep myself frozen in place. The best thing to do (thank you, therapist) is to remind myself that I am “catastrophizing” and to talk myself down. OK. It’s all practice, right? Practice that will change how I approach the things that scare me.
So. I start up again on Monday morning with another lesson and have to keep on going, no matter what. In the meantime, I am thinking about what our therapist said about me holding on to parts of myself in the fear that no one else can help contain me. I had the image of me standing in a corner, sepia-toned and faceless, desperately wrapping my arms around my body, while little wisps of me tried to escape. My ghosts, the impressions of me, I grabbed at them as they slipped through my fingers and dissipated into nothingness.
I don’t totally understand it, but what she said brings tears to my eyes. So what do I do about that? I asked. Start from the thought level and it may help with the underlying feelings, she told me.
OK. OK. Small steps forward, changes in thinking, pushes from within and without. Change can be slow, it can happen suddenly, and I’ll take all the help and encouragement I can get.
Image by Sebastian Fritzon.
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