Worth it at any price?
The above email came from my husband before he was my husband, when my last name was Ingersoll-Casey (there, now you know) when our relationship was about four months old, a few weeks before my divorce became final. July 1998. I remember the circumstances that led up to it well: a joint business trip to Santa Monica, some scheduling conflicts with getting together, my solo dinner at Locanda del Lago where I flirted with the Italian American waiter, an aspiring actor from Brooklyn. It was the usual -- for me, anyway -- early relationship feelings of uneasiness and worry.
The astrologer I went to a couple of months ago mentioned that I test the people that I'm involved with. "Expensive, but worth it," was the phrase she used to describe me. I'll take her word on it, that I'm worth it. It's true, now that I look back at the early days of our relationship and see in this email and another that I printed out back then, where my husband is talking about visits with various cancer doctors for his mother . . . I think back to my petulance, my demands: expensive. Time-consuming. Maybe overwhelming at first. Not good at holding back, at least not in the beginning, no matter if a parent has cancer or if you're also working on a dissertation or working through other personal stuff. "Look at me," I shout. "Notice me! Aren't I worth it?"
And yet he loves me still.
I've been thinking about what to write for Elizabeth Harper's fabulous Write About Love Project, going through my small box of love mementos looking for inspiration. The box has letters from D (love letters and very sad post-breakup ones), directions to my former crush's house written in his hand, an inconsequential note left at my E Street apartment by the philosophy student who broke my heart, a postcard from Estonia from Peter, a joke Christmas card from J signed with someone else's name, and various cards from my husband. It's a mix of ephemera and deep love and silliness. Maybe it's inspiration.
At any rate, I'm working on my piece, Elizabeth, though it still may take me a while to get there.
What I've been up to: finishing up my class, working on writing about love, still doing prompts, working on the new blog in dribs and drabs. And, last night anyway, not sleeping.