What haven't I told you?
I let the
first
U.S. punk compilation slip out of my hands. Album
cover from Rate
Your Music.
Jean of
Jean’s Musings
– a lovely blog that
I recommend highly – has passed a meme my way, a
request to list five things that you might not
know about me. Given how much I’ve revealed here,
that’s a tall order, but I think I can dredge up
some obscure facts.
*I once had a Secret
security
clearance. The think tank I worked for
did a lot of work for the defense department and
the library was responsible for the classified
document collection. Getting the clearance was
nerve-wracking, as was the proximity to potential
national secrets. It was a relief to leave it
behind.
*I have never seen an episode of the television show
Friends.
*Punk music was the soundtrack of my life for a long
time. I knew my now-husband was a good match after we
watched a movie that included the song Viva Las
Vegas. As we were leaving the theater I told him
“Every time I hear that song I …” He finished the
sentence, “think of the Dead
Kennedys version?” That’s right. Ahh,
love.
*I got my license at 25 (or was that 26?), but
I don’t
drive.
You wouldn’t want me to. Trust me.
*Despite a lifelong allergy to cats, I have never
lived without at least one kitty, except for a brief
pet-free period in graduate school. They are worth
the asthma, the itchy eyes, the mounds of tissues.
An extra fact: I’ve got some recipes in the Nov/Dec
issue of Vegetarian
Times,
along with a short profile in the contributers
column. Go to your newsstand or local library and
take a look. I'll be putting up more information
on the Food Writing
section soon.
If you have your own five facts, I'd love to read
them.
And for your listening pleasure, Viva Las Vegas!
The kindness of other bloggers
And if all this weren’t wonderful enough, Ken Armstrong of Ken's Writing Stuff gave me a copy of his recently published play, “The Moon Cut Like a Sickle,” after I correctly answered the question “What lady links ‘Mack the Knife’ with ‘From Russia with Love’"? Even though I cheated and used Google instead of actual knowledge, he was kind enough to send me a copy, all the way from Ireland to the far reaches of the continental U.S. Ken’s blog is a mix of movie reviews and stories, infused with optimism and humor. It's on my Google reader and it should be on yours, too.
Finally, the awards (and if I’ve missed one, I apologize. Please let me know). I am so happy that such a great group of writers and thinkers like what I am doing here. This time I'm passing each award on to another blogger who can do with it what they wish. Of course, the blogs below are only an example of the good stuff out there in the blogosphere and there are many that I read regularly and love that I haven't listed here.
Thank you, Geoffrey and Lidian! I'm passing this one on to Candy of Inside Candy.
Thank you, Lidian and Maitri! I'm passing this one on to Just Bob of the Essence of Bobness.
Thank you Lidian, Maitri, and Dori! I'm passing this one on to Karen of The Pitfalls of Life and Five Little Kids Named Larrow.
Thank you, Candy! I'm passing this one on to Koe at The Half-Life of Linoleum.
Thank you, Maitri! I can't single out any one blog here without feeling like I'm missing someone, so I officially pass this on to any blog on my blogroll.
Thank you, Judy! I am passing this one on to Lydia of Writerquake.
Next post: Is there anything I haven't told you?
November's blog: The Virtual Dime Museum
This month's featured blog,
the Virtual Dime
Museum,
is a shift from personal history --
October’s Melindaville
-- to popular
history, offering a change of pace for November.
The Virtual Dime Museum provides a peek at
advertisements, news stories, and sundry
entertainments from the mid-1800s into the early 20th
century. It is full of oddities and bizarre medical
concoctions, sideshows and haunted houses. Writer
Lidian, born and raised in New York City and now
living in Canada, has created an entertaining and
well-written three-ring circus of pop history,
Brooklyn and New York history, and Victorian pop
culture.
Whether it’s digging up an 1896 item about a skeleton hand found in Flatbush or profiling Victorian fascinations such as the animated bust, Lidian brings a sense of humor to the Virtual Dime Museum. Her interests in genealogy and history combined with her mad research and writing skills results in a diverting and dryly funny read. And if you like your pop history a little more recent, check out her other blog of kitsch and camp, Kitchen Retro.
October's blog: Melindaville
What could life be like after
recovery from hardcore drug addiction?
Today Melinda Roberts Tyler is a successful and
award-winning professor of psychology, happily
married to her soulmate, full of warmth and gratitude
for life. Over fifteen years ago, however, she was a
heroin and cocaine addict living on the streets of
San Francisco, at rock bottom with very little will
to live.
Melindaville
chronicles her
journey from hardcore addict to honors student and
professor. It is a fascinating, though often
harrowing, story. After moving to San Francisco to
pursue an acting career in the early 1980s,
Melinda gets involved in the burgeoning punk scene
and performs as part of the band Wild Women of
Borneo. Along the way she becomes an exotic dancer
and high-priced call girl, as well as demonstrates
an entrepreneurial spirit by starting “the world’s
first fantasy phone service,” Julie’s Hotline. As
her dependency on drugs intensifies, her life
begins to fall apart. It takes twelve years of
addiction before she begins to put it back
together again.
The blog contains excerpts from her memoir in
progress (working title: Lost and Found: A
Journey) as
well as consciousness-raising posts on the nature of
addiction as a health, not moral, issue, with
underlying causes and more sophisticated solutions
than “just say no.”
Melinda’s ultimate goal is to use the proceeds of her
eventual book sales to fund a foundation for sex
workers. Drug addiction and the sex industry are
intertwined. Many sex workers choose that path after
suffering childhoods of abuse. Maybe they start
working in the business to support an existing habit
or begin using just to get through the workday. Drugs
like heroin or cocaine provide compelling comfort in
a small package, a way to numb the pain of the past
and present.
Melinda plans to fund treatment and higher education
for these men and women who are so often invisible
and voiceless. I can think of no better
champion.
You guys are great!
About a month back, a new blogging friend, Melinda, wrote about saying her gratefuls. That’s what I’d like to do today, focusing specifically on this strange and wondrous virtual universe, the blogosphere: I am eternally grateful for the recognition and support of my fellow bloggers.
Last week, Karen of The Pitfalls of Life passed two awards my way.
and
Karen has another blog,
Five Little Kids Named
Larrow,
where she writes stories about a very difficult
childhood with an amazing clear-headedness,
capturing the child’s innocent point of view. I
think she's courageous, too, as well as a fine
writer and photographer. Through the struggles of
the past and present, she always finds a way to
rise above. Thank you, Karen. You really are a
good friend.
Also last week, Dori of A Yellow House in
England passed the I Love Your Blog
award along. Dori’s blog is about her adventures
as an American expat married to a Brit. Written in
a breezy conversational style with tales of little
towns she visits and other stories from her life,
A Yellow House is a fun read with some nice
photography as well.
Finally, Susan Helene Gottfried of
West of Mars not only received a bunch of
awards (no shock there!), but she also gave a
shout-out to blogs she enjoys reading, including
writing to survive. Go to her blog to read her
always-engrossing fiction, to peruse book reviews,
or just to join in on the conversation.
I’ve been in a bit of a blogging slump lately, not
feeling creative or chatty enough to leave comments.
I’m getting tired of dropping my Entrecard all over
the place. I haven't had much to post about. Even in
my current ennui, I recognize that this virtual
universe has helped bring me back to life. Blogging
and the support of fellow bloggers can take a large
part of the credit for connecting me with the world
again, not only after a hard year in a strange place,
but also after many years of keeping most people at a
polite distance, years of sitting on my secrets and
keeping my mouth shut.
This wasn't even the point of starting a blog for me
initially. Building a community was far from my mind.
I just needed an impetus to start writing. In that
sense blogging has helped me connect back to myself,
has helped the words flow.
I’m not sure where I’ll be going with this space.
Starting next month, I will be taking a writing
course in which will entail writing every day,
including holidays and weekends. I hope this little
push will not only help me find a local community but
will also propel my writing forward. It doesn’t mean
I’ll stop blogging or commenting, but it does mean
that I will have to cut back. Or maybe I'll bring you
all along with me on this new venture with updates
and postings of my half-baked work. I don't know
exactly how it will work.
What I do know is that I am grateful for my blogging
friends. You have supported me on my journey and I
look forward to having you along for the rest of the
ride.
Thank you.
How did you get here?
I had no idea as I blithely googled my friends and neighbors and looked up various topics on the Web that anyone would be keeping track of my searches. But then I started this blog, became interested in the statistics, wanted to know how many people were coming, what they clicked on, etc., and discovered that these searches were logged. Google doesn't tell me who has been searching (thank goodness!), but it does list the search terms used to get here.
Some of the searches are from people who are struggling, for example: “why keep trying to survive in this world” or “writing to survive life’s struggles.” Did they find the answer here? I don't know. Most people don’t go beyond the first page. I wish I could hold out a hand for them, help them along the narrow and rocky path.
Then there are the more bizarre queries. Yes, the term bloodworms and marine do come up in close proximity in this blog, but probably not in a combination that the searcher was expecting. So, in the interest of lightening things up around here, I've listed some of the more interesting searches below.
- Hangover existential angst
- Underwater handstand
- How to survive traveling with a crazy boyfriend
- Brain nubbin
- Capricious father
- We have nothing in common but love – can our marriage survive
- Flim flan recipe
- Marine bloodworms
- Submissive Louise
- Teen girls baptized in diapers
What were these folks thinking as they read my blog? Hopefully they left entertained in some way.
Next post: acknowledging awards from two wonderful bloggers, Karen and Dori.
The wonderful, the not so good, and the unknown
Then, the unknown: my father found this blog. This is not a shocking development, since there is at least one link out there with my full name that points to writing to survive. What does it mean? I don’t know. I hope it means an open line of communication. And that’s all I’ll be saying about it here. Some things are meant to be – yes – private.
Finally, happily, the wonderful: two fine bloggers gave awards to writing to survive in the past week.
John of Storied Mind passed along the Brilliant Blog
Award, which is quite an honor from someone who I
think has a brilliant blog! The premise behind
Storied Mind is that writing and creating stories
about one’s experience with depression can help
break through its deadening effects.
Storied Mind also aims to create a community,
a place where people can gather and discuss their
experiences with depression. All of this is
beautifully done, with thought-provoking posts
that dive deep into the experience of mood-related
disorders and what may work to reach clarity.
Thank you, John. I am truly honored.
Kimmy of The Eagle The Lion and The
Dove passed another award my way, the
I Love Your Blog award. Kimmy’s blog is all about
focusing on the light in darkness, seeking the
beauty in the world and ourselves, knowing that
none of us is perfect. It’s a great dose of daily
inspiration. Thank you, Kimmy – I’m so happy we
found each other via Entrecard!
As a way to share the love and highlight some
outstanding blogs that are part of my daily reading,
I am planning to have monthly reviews, with a feature
on my sidebar linking to the Blog of the Month. Stay
tuned for the October selection.
Missing comments
Thanks for being such a supportive, thoughtful group of readers. Your input is vital and has helped take this blog to places I never anticipated.
Excellent Blog Award
Writing to survive has been
recognized by two wonderful bloggers this week.
Kathleen Maher of Diary of a Heretic
was the first one to
pass along the Excellent Blog Award. A warning:
once you visit Kathleen’s blog, you won’t be able
to stop reading! You can also find more of her
fiction in The View from
Here.
Then Bobbi of My Muse and Me
passed the same
award my way. I’ve recently come upon Bobbi’s blog
and have been enjoying the mix of fiction, poetry,
and discussions of everyday life.
Thank you both very much for the honor!
Early on, I decided that I wasn’t going to pass on
memes or awards. Initially, it was because I didn’t
want to trouble people with meme postings, and then
it became difficult to decide who to pass on awards
to: so many choices! The downside to my approach is
that I never spread the love. I’m trying to think of
a way to recognize some of the wonderful blogs I read
on a regular basis, maybe by writing the ocassional
review or by coming up with my own award.
Next week: a return to writing about writing? More
about my mother’s visit?
I won’t know until I start typing.
From the inside
Part of what unsettled me was the link back to my own words (which I’ve changed to better reflect my feelings). The “why” of writing to survive was initially a rather bleak description of what life was like for me for the first two years of my son’s existence. This was a difficult time with many struggles to maintain eveness. I lost a lot of myself, my marriage changed, and I’d have to say there was some depression tossed into the mix, too, though I was never treated.
So. I love my son. I am lucky to stay home with him. He makes me laugh. We dance and sing and talk and read together. He has also been an impetus for change, a reminder to slow down and enjoy. With him I am able to remake my own childhood, borrowing the good bits and discarding the bad. I am lucky to be able to do this AND write.
Which brings me to my husband, an amazing man who is my biggest supporter. When I need reassuring about my parenting skills, he is quick to soothe. He loves to read my work. He gets take-out when I am tired of cooking. He understands when I use naptime (when naptime happens) to write instead of clean. We are truly a team. I love you, H.
There are nuances to this angst, and as I’ve been writing here and privately, the angst shifts and dissipates. The words have saved me.
This is writing to survive.
Seven facts
Instead of passing it along, I offer it up to anyone who would like to participate.
7 FACTS about
Jennifer
1 - WORK: I was a reference
librarian for about ten years, first for a state
legislative agency, then for a Washington, DC-based
think tank, and finally for
the U.S.
Senate.
Four years of working 40-50 hour weeks in a
basement paging through Congressional
Records, locating report language, and watching
C-SPAN with my colleagues for the laughs led to
disillusionment and burnout. (Note: There is
really much more to being a reference librarian at
the Senate Library than that, but an exhaustive
listing of what we did would bore most readers). I
quit to go to culinary school.
Took a detour to be a stay-at-home mother and
freelance writer. 2 - EDUCATION: After one
false start, I received a bachelors in philosophy, a
masters in library science, and a certificate from a
culinary school. My first college experience was
about drinking; my second, about thinking, my third,
about getting a job, and my fourth about taking a
chance while I still could.
3 - FRIENDSHIP: When I do make a friend, it is
generally for life (even when I am not good at
keeping in touch). I’m still figuring out how to make
connections as a reserved person without a
traditional working life in a place I don’t know very
well, since we’re still fairly new to Northern
Californa. It isn’t easy, but I am getting there. I
don’t need a posse, just a few confidants.
4 - RELATIONSHIPS: My second husband and I have been
married five years as of last Saturday, and have been
together for ten. After a tough 2007, we’re in a good
place now. Happy belated anniversary, honey!
5 - WWW: The Internet was just taking off when I was
in graduate school. I remember becoming quite
engrossed in the usenet groups. Gopher -- a kind of
menu-driven WWW -- was the hot technology during my
first library job. It’s a totally different world
now. Completely addictive, too, especially now that I
am blogging.
6 - FITNESS: Run 3x a week when I can, other exercise
on the off days, walk almost everywhere. I’ve been
mainly vegetarian (some fish) for 13 years and don’t
see going back to eating meat.
7 - DREAMS: One basic dream: that I make an authentic
life as a writer. A better way to put it: I am living
an authentic life as a writer, making the dream a
reality. (Thank you to The Fearless
Blog for cheerleading the idea
that we must think something to make it
so.)
Kick-Ass Blogger Award
According to Angel, A Kick-Ass Blogger is a blogger who can grab your attention and give you something to chew over for the rest of the day and in doing so, entices you back for more. A Kick-Ass Blogger is someone who is witty, articulate, and informative. I was introduced to Here and Now via Entrecard, and I am continually impressed at how direct Angel is in dealing with some difficult issues, sometimes through poetry, other times by just writing out her thoughts for the day. Thank you, Angel. I am honored.
Arte y Pico Award
Marlene of The Fearless Blog
has presented me
with the Arte y Pico award, which is given to
bloggers who inspire others with their writing or
artwork. If you need inspiration and a dose of
motivation, Marlene's blog is a good place to
start. For a wonderful example of her work, take a
look at Straddling Between Two
Worlds on the PublicLiterature.Org
website.
Thank you, Marlene! I am honored.
In the beginning ...
When I started this blog in late December of last year, I wasn't in a good place. All the things I've been writing about since then were burbling just below the surface, barely suppressed, waiting to be given form and shaped into a story. I used a pseudonym -- Anonmomous -- and wrote pretty freely about my angst at the time, my desperation, the stifled creativity that I blamed on my daily mundane existence mixed in with a childhood hangover.
I had no creative outlet, but a strong desire to write and figured that starting a blog would force me to do it on a regular basis. Maybe I would find others out there like me, or attract an audience (even an audience of one would have been wonderful). But nobody reads a blog if they don't know about it. I started using my real first name, joined blogcatalog, and things started to look up.
Most of my early posts are gone, but I recently found an interesting one from right before I "came out." I've reproduced it below.
Thanks to Geoffrey for asking some questions that got me thinking about the early days and how the process of self-expression has actually changed the story I've created for myself.
I also have to thank The Fearless Blog for her kind profile of writing to survive, and her words of encouragement. As usual, she got me thinking about how a positive attitude can change the equation entirely.
Manufacturing interest
18 February 2008
As I was thinking about whether I would post tonight, not sure if I had anything to say, I decided I would manufacture something of interest to write about: the manufacturing of interest in what I am writing here.
I have no idea how you arrived at this blog, whether you find it entertaining, or relevant, or worth five minutes of your time. I could probably come out of the closet, quit being anonymous, and invite people I know to read it, or at the very least passively put up the address in my facebook profile and e-mail signature. Perhaps then the blog would spread like a benevolent virus across cyberspace, e-mailed here and there: you simply HAVE to read this.
Would more people read? Maybe. Would it affect what I write here? Most definitely. In a good way? I am not sure. Currently, I can write corny or stupid or revealing stuff here without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings or worrying about looking corny or stupid. I would probably remove anything non-writing related, which may be the cleaner and kinder way to go. I still have much mulling to do on the topic.
H and I took advantage of our holiday Monday babysitter to go into the city. We wandered around North Beach, did some vintage shopping, had lunch. We ended up at City Lights and I was suddenly overwhelmed by all that fiction, non-fiction, poetry, ecology, etc etc, titles and authors I have never heard of and will probably never read.
What a crazy idea it is to write when there are so many talented people out there who can barely sell a book.
But I can't worry about that now, can I?
Seven songs: another meme
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.
Although I can't say that there are seven songs that are shaping my summer season, I can list seven songs that I've listened to lately, almost all while dancing around with the kid. And we don't listen to a lot of current stuff, apparently, so I apologize in advance to the youngins.
Belle & Sebastian: The State I Am In
Reminds me of a different summer, but I still listen to it and the kid has been listening to Belle & Sebastian since birth.
Robyn Hitchcock: Belltown Ramble
My husband and I recently attended a Nick Lowe/Robyn Hitchcock show at the Fillmore. Robyn played this tune, H bought the CD, and we are now hooked. My son asks for the Bell song, and we move around the room, swaying our arms.
White Stripes: Seven Nation Army
Good stomping music.
Sonic Youth: Bull in the Heather
Don't know how to explain this one, but we likes distortion.
Prince: Dance, Music, Sex, Romance
We had a morning of dance. I was thinking of my old college roommate, who was a Prince fan, and there you have it.
Kenny Loggins: House at Pooh Corner
I wrote about this recently. Now the kid sings it, too, though he doesn't catch all the words. It's cute.
Cassandra Wilson: Children of the Night
This song brings me back to a different time in my life, in a bittersweet way.
Instead of passing this on to seven bloggers, I invite anyone who would like to participate to post their own seven songs.
In six words: a meme
OK. I am up for the challenge.
Who would have
thought: me, here?
There have been a few surprising
turns in my life. Spending five years in the midwest?
Never would have anticipated it. Cooking school in
New York? No way. Being a stay-at-home-mom in
Berkeley, California? Oh, but I would never leave the
East Coast again ...
And most surprising of all: tell my secrets to the
world (well, to a small group of loyal readers) on a
"blog"? You must be joking.
So now I pass it along to the following bloggers, if
they wish to participate:
Clinically
Clueless
The Pitfalls of
Life
Geoffrey's
Farrago
Shiv's Brain
The Essence of
Bobness
The lost weekend
Reminder to self: be more careful. Read the manual. Back everything up. Test out the web page in different browsers.
And pay more attention to Timethief. She knows what she’s talking about.
Next week: more recipe development for Vegetarian Times.
Um, Hello?
Welcome to my not-quite-fully-baked web page.
I've spent the last 24 hours trying to recreate my deleted blog entries. Got most of them, though the early stuff is missing. Just figured out that I can't get a working redirect from blogger (that darn 'www' in my web address makes that difficult, apparently), so I am starting from scratch.
I still have lots of content to create. Not sure if I'm happy with my descriptions (too melodramatic? not enough information? do I want to be a melodramatic woman of mystery? does my profile picture negate the idea that I am a melodramatic woman of mystery?). I also have to enter what I've written so far of "A Prolonged Illness" and "A Shifting Scar." I don't think they worked well in the blog format.
I'm curious how the look of the page will affect the feel of the words. Even typing into the little box I now have for blog entries feels completely different. Funny how a change in layout or type alters the whole experience.
Anyway, hope you like it.
Watch this space
The hours were long and being exposed to the inner workings of the legislative branch got old. The head of our department liked her iron grip and crushed what little joy we had in our dark basement space. I quit and went to cooking school. Finished cooking school and had a baby. And when part of me slowly reawakened, I began writing.
One of the things I miss about the working world is creating things for the Web (another thing that might have my old colleagues scratching their heads). Although I'm not sure how many people read or use the Virtual Reference Desk, I am still proud of it. I'm also proud of helping to develop and maintain the Active Legislation list, which is a truly useful online document for those who are keeping up with federal bills that are in the news.
I'm in the middle of redesigning this blog and putting together an Internet site using Rapidweaver. It's kind of like the old days, except I have more control and no technical support. I'm limping my way through and it's slow going. Hopefully it will be up in a week or so, but until it is I may not be posting as much or checking in with my friends.
See you soon.
Bloggers Unite for Human Rights
I
really didn't want to think about this one.
Why? Because I feel helpless. Human rights abuses happen in far away places to people I can't touch, look in the eye, or help in any concrete way.
Right?
Maybe not. For example, Guantanamo Bay was created by my own government, a government in which I presumably have a voice. I could participate in international pressure against the Myanmar junta, which could get supplies to people who are dying. There are tons of examples from across the globe -- violence against women, the horror in Darfur, LGBT human rights, etc. etc. Once you start to read about human rights abuses, you realize that the idea of human rights isn't universal. And even nations who tout the cause violate it.
Get involved. If enough people try, maybe, just maybe, the world will change . . . I hope. OK, I'm still a little cynical. But I won't let that stop me from trying. It takes so little to try.