In search of relief
26 August 2011 06:59 AM Categories: Writing prompts
I contain the knowledge of change, the acceptance of it, and yet my stomach is a knot. My psyche demands permanence, unwavering support, the strength of others against my woozy frame. Can I hold out a pale, shaking hand to steady myself against your shoulder? Are you telling me you have your own worries? Should I get out the hammer now and destroy everything, leaving the scrap for kindling, or is it time to think about the structure, to see how I or we or the elements – the shifting earth, the angry skies, the relentless wind – will change it so that it fits, it works, so that there is no need to destroy?
Even my writing is controlled. Last night I was talking to my son about something or other before leaving his room for the night. We’ve had some of our best conversations in these in-between moments after his light is off and we cuddle in the dark. Somehow, we got on the topic of what it feels like to bite oneself. He does it sometimes, all kids probably do. For him, it’s curiosity, a desire to see the marks of his own teeth on flesh, to look at the patterns they make. I did it, too, but I did it when I was angry, and I did it in anger for years, well past adolescence.
The feeling is primal, like fear, the run from death or the devil, from the knowledge we all contain about our ultimate impermanence. The feelings bubble up within me, and for a long time they had no place. I took that kid anger out on myself, I didn’t know what to do with it, but here I am a grownup, shifting in good ways, my life changing, and yet I am so afraid and I am angry and I want to separate it out, take the chaos of feeling under my exterior and figure out what belongs where, like sorting clothing for the seasons before packing it away. I want to put the bad stuff in its place, or remind myself that, although it is still there, reaching out a clawed hand from so many years back, it is past, that where I am now doesn’t need to be affected by it.
Riding out the change without destroying the framework takes trust, faith in oneself, so here I am, eyes closed, hands out, shuffling forward.
From the prompt "Relief."
I'm posting every messy Round Robin prompt, a prompt a day until the RR ends. Unless I tell you otherwise, this is the original 12-minute prompt edited only for clarity and typos, though I'm not sure one can talk about "clarity" with my prompts lately.
Image by paulscott56.
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