Who needs Facebook?
Three minutes ago, I had the thought: I've been Facebook free for 50 hours! Now I could go upstairs and tell my husband that, or mention it to the dog or to Nick the cat who is currently licking his paws next to me while I type. Normally, this is the kind of thing I would mention on Facebook, except that I've pledged to stay off of Facebook for at least another week, preferably two, and it doesn't make much sense to announce how long one has been free of it if one is back on it.
Tonight, when I was cleaning up after dinner (a mixed greens gratin, if you must know, with roasted beets on the side and it was fabulous), I felt like listening to some good sad heart-wrenching music, Melissa Etheridge's first album, the one I listened to on my Walkman, crying all the while, after J broke up with me. This isn't the kind of thing I would normally share on Facebook because I'm kind of embarrassed by it. One doesn't usually announce such things with caveats: Tonight's dishwashing music (blush)! I feel pretty good today and listening to her growl through Like the Way I Do made me laugh with the remembered melodrama. I'm doing fine.
But earlier, when I was cleaning, I was listening to a little Holly Golightly, something low-tech and simple and growly in a different way. Oh, how I ached to show my cool music choices on Facebook. I missed the old crowd, my Facebook friends. I missed knowing there were other people out there poised over their computers or on their phones at the same time as me. Still, I resisted. And still I resist. I can live as though there is no audience, my choices are to please me and me alone. (But I do miss you guys, not because I want to show you how cool I am, but because I enjoy interacting with you.)
So I haven't been able to tell my FB friends about the clairvoyant I saw yesterday and how fabulous I felt afterwards, cleansed, normal, cheery, at home in my own skin again. Not sure how that status statement would go: Chakras cleared, mind freed, it will all be ok? I don't even know how to describe it, but it was good. I am much more at peace.
And I haven't said much about the new blog, how I'm beginning the design process and staring to think of a clever, appropriate name. I have some ideas for the scope of the blog, too, which involves ways of getting out of my comfort zone and writing about it. It's exciting. I'm ready for a change. It may take a few weeks to get it up and running, but it will happen.
So here's a little Holly Golightly for you. Enjoy the coolness.
Image: Facebook, I am not looking at you.
While your heart still beats
The pavement was slick and there were potholes and too many trees by the side of the winding road. The first to go were two juniors who were cutting school, doing what teenage boys do, driving too fast, maybe drinking or passing a bowl while the tires screeched and the car fishtailed. They ended up upside down in the creek that snaked by the road. They died. There were others in high school who died in car accidents, too, though at this point I mainly remember the names of the survivors (thanks, Facebook, with your updated images of people from the past).
Since my grandmother died, I’ve developed a strong sense of mortality, of my own, of other peoples’, of the various cats and dogs that have been in my life. Sometimes it hits me more than others, generally when I’m feeling low and isolated, when the sun hasn’t been out in weeks. It doesn't help that I've been spending an hour or two a day writing out the details of illness and death for my novel manuscript. And I’ll have dreams about these people, the dead from high school, usually as represented by David Anderson, the last one to die, the one who made it into the yearbook, a ghost by the time the book was printed.
There are other “deads” as my son calls them, like Carolin, a friend from college who had some sort of birth defect that we never discussed. She’s been gone for seventeen years, sometimes still visits me in my dream version of our college dorm. My grandfather shows up less and less now as I deal with the past, though I am sometimes reminded of how much there is to deal with (another nod to Facebook, where people who knew me peripherally during one of the darkest times in my life show up, and I remember just how bad it was and I want to die with the memory).
As I was wrestling again with that long-ago past, something that I keep thinking should be a “dead” itself at this point, as I was having a good cry after washing the dishes Thursday night, Nora, our Russian squirrel hound, came clicking into the kitchen. She likes to comfort the sad and inexplicably lonely, especially if it involves a pat or two for her. I knelt down to stroke her chest and was struck again with memory. There I was, ten years old, in what used to be my grandmother’s room, petting Greta the miniature schnauzer. Greta's fur was warm and soft. She groaned as I scratched behind her ears, reached out a paw as if to say "Don't stop." At the time, I was struck with the exquisite transience of it all, the way a heart stops and the lungs give out, the vulnerability of our soft bodies and delicate skulls. Disease creeps in. A car slams into a tree and then into you. You ignore the deep cough until it is too late. No matter the trajectory of the story, we all know how it ends.
Greta was killed by a hit-and-run driver when I was in seventh grade, about six months after we left my grandfather's house for Wilmington. He let her out when he was getting the mail. As he limped to the mailbox, Greta trotted to a neighbor's yard. She was halfway across the street when a car came tearing past and knocked her into a ditch. Either the driver didn't see her or didn't care to stop and my grandfather caught only a glimpse of the car's tail lights. It was the violent conclusion of Greta's brief story.
I knelt in the kitchen, my arms around Nora, and added up the dead. I felt their hands in mine, the touch of a gentle paw, the sound of a meow. Greta and I sat together in the dusty sunlight, her eyes brown and serious, her heartbeat strong. Sidney played a game of capture, batted at the pencil I pushed under the door. Louise curled up on the dining room table, a dog pretending to be a cat. I brushed against a boy in a hallway as he ran by, late for class. And my grandmother croaked out "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" while I giggled from the swing that hung from the maple tree. Even the tree is gone now, but like the rest it exists in my memory, in the stories I tell.
I held Nora tighter, tried to appreciate the moment, knowing I would think about it when she was gone. And the sweetness of it almost killed me.
Top photo by Jane Underwood, Writing Salon mistress and photographer extraordinaire.
Bottom photo by Mr. T from Nora's first week with us in 2003.
After writing this prompt and struggling with various versions of it for the blog, I got out my senior high school yearbook (theme: "A Unique Blend." I had forgotten that high school yearbooks had themes), just to check on some of the facts. There was David Anderson, still in with the living seniors, but at the front of the book was a dedication to three other people from our class who had died, two of them in car accidents: Pat O'Donoghue, Rob Klaczkiewicz, and Joe Lombardino. There were others who died while I was at school, specifically those upperclassmen in the first paragraph of this post, though I could have some of my facts wrong about the accident. They died in the mid-80s, well before our lives were digitally monitored, before you could have a Facebook page even after death. The fact that there was no trace of these young men made me sad. It was almost as if they had never existed.