There are any number of things I should be doing right now. Closing out client files. Creating new paperwork. Scheduling doctors’ appointments. Writing goodbyes to folks I’ve worked with. Changing my way of being in the world. Working on my web page. Reducing my carbon footprint. Shedding my guilt. Improving my skills. Accepting who I am at this very moment, flaws and all. Updating my resume. Deciding whether I want that second job. Networking. Thinking about my dad, who is hovering around the edges of my consciousness. I wish I could talk to him about these shifts in my professional life.  I wish I could show him how far I’ve come in such a short period of time.

But I seem to have gotten stuck today. It could be the insomnia. I’ve routinely been waking up between 3:30 and 4:30 am, with the occasionally lucky sleep-in until 5:30. It could be that the stress of finding appropriate office space(s) with less than three weeks to go until I set up my own shop has finally pushed me over the edge. It could be the weird emotional math of saying goodbye to a few clients this week. I do not do well at goodbyes. I’ve also been nursing a bit of sadness over the recent death of the man who trained me on the crisis line. He was so kind and calm and, at 30, too young to die.

It could be all of it, every drop. Some days, you just need to step back, cry, and mourn. Tomorrow will come regardless. And one thing I must give myself credit for -- today marks four months without alcohol (even during our 15th anniversary dinner, quarter-full glasses of champagne plopped in front of us with no explanation. Dear reader, I did not even sip. This was not easy.). Despite it all, I'm keeping dry. Just not dry-eyed.